Processed foods giant Kraft Foods Inc., is splitting in two. This operation will be conducted without anesthetic. "War between the Cheese Slices and Oreo Crew made it imperative", said an ecstatic Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfield, bouncing a Jell-O on her VP's head while addressing the hand picked sycophantic business press . "Cool Whip and the Maxwell Bhoys were deciding what's goin' down while Oscar the Mayer was in a tizwas with Trident and Tang fence sitting...hence my decisive intervention." she preened. Benefits? "Well, as it happens our current bunch of employees' are as much use as a glass eye, so we'll be ditching them for a crop of illegals. They've never heard 'union' so will know their place. Yes. I see it all now. Two great food companies each with it's own Fuhrer; lebensraum for our products; resources, strong market positions..." Q: Tax? "Tax you said. Tax or lack of that odious imposition on the creators of wealth was never a consideration in the decision making process, you impudent gate-crashing bastard". (Photo: Getty Images)
