Dear All, Needin' any help with that big ol' bird? Some of ma handy hints for the suburban Thanksgiving Day hostess that if followed to the letter will sure make you and your Big T's the envy of that slick bitch next door. Now...if the bird is film wrapped, always take this off; also it's a good move to make sure the giblets in that wee plastic bag are removed from inside. You'll find them by inserting ones gloved hand up Big T's ample posterior.( If this seems an act of gross indecency for a hostess of delicate persuasion - tell the nearest kid there's a $100 bill up it's ass. It always works.) Next...always turn the oven on as this action has been found to much improve the bird. Well - lets face it folks - without a good bastin' an' stuffin' Big T has as much flavor as a Big Mac burger box found discarded in an underpass. But I digress. Now...before the beast is offered up for a good roastin' there' s the not inconsiderable question of weight and time. |
Best to follow my well documented and proven formula on this important day and one that I swear by. And remember, simple is always the rule. So here's the one that will give that next door neighbor's bird a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. Pencil at the ready? Good. Take the bird's weight and the square root of the velocity of oven entry, times the height, age, color and location of the your kitchen. The actual cooking temperature is not so important and very much over rated. Retire to the lounge, get a few down your neck with the assembled company and wait and wait and...
Returning to the kitchen, which in but a few short hours will be regarded by the Health and Safety Executive as a not inconsiderable crime scene... you will be the proud though humble hostess about to offer up to the tabled and the well oiled gathering of family and friends, a Best on the Block Bird! Exquisitely browned and tongue tempting. And... should your guests survive the minor dislocation to their lives from the visitations of salmonella, they'll forever remember this special day with you their attentive hostess, held in their collective unconscious morgue of memories.
Happy Thanksgiving Yanks from Dodies Diary.
PS. Other information can be found on my much hit upon www.howtosurvivetherelatives.org |
