Brit Of The Long Tongue.

Not quite ready for that Julie Andrew's number.

"British student has tongue lengthened to speak Korean." (Telegraph, UK)

 Rhiannon Brooksbank–Jones loves The Vapors  track 'Turning Japanese' which she sings along to in short tongue Korean. Rhianno currently studies at a nearby university in the county of Robin the Hood and dreams of speaking in tongues; which is handy when imaging countries she can't be sure exist except perhaps in pixels. She struggles with shopping trolleys, folding maps back into their designated creases but it's the pronunciation of certain Zulu vowels and the Korean for; 'he's one fit fella,' that triggers tongue malfunction. "Being a short arse - which moi isn't- well that's one thing; but having a tongue that's totally useless for certain French smooching maneuvers is not cool." She ran out of paper but continued writing on my T shirt, "I'm not thick, but that friggin' lingual frenulum is! As things stand, I can't be the voice of Korea's speaking clock or the bingo caller at my local." Her parents nodded their agreement. "It's got to be the15 minute lingual frenectomy op for number one daughter, followed by lashings of her fav ice cream."
A couple of weeks later Rhiannon said tentatively, "Sore or what. Such aggers at first, but tonguey is now about 1cm longer and I'll soon be Rosetta Stoning the crap out of all in my immediate vicinity!" Little won-soong-ee.   (Photo: Paul Tonge)

Enter... The Super Mouse!

 "Super mouse evolves resistance to most poisons." (BBC) 

Call me Jerry once more and I will crap in your cornflakes.

German and Spanish mice on their hols in North Africa have found the lady mice of the Casbah much to their liking. "The Germans always get here first; swill copious amounts of beer and warfarin and seem none the worst," said the de-frocked priest turned scientist,"it gets them in that thigh slappin' party time mood. Then it's towels on the sun loungers and off they scuttle to find an Arabian princess," What about the Spanish? "They're always much later to arrive. They're all back in Spain engaging in the three hour tapas, a glass or two of red then siesta. Later in the evening more tapas and a nice white then hit the nest around 3.30am. Early next day somehow they're down town pissing off loads of angry bulls which chase them through narrow streets. Already late for an Algerian date by around 1.5 million years, it's not too much of a priority when a well placed horn is about to connect with the smallest butt in Europe." And what of the survivors? "Oh, for lucky furries, it's boats and planes across the Med and some gene leaking in hell hot Algeria."
Now...you may be wondering; will cousin ratie have their lost weekends too? Well, why not. The relatives are having the genetic exchanging time of their lives, so for ratie it'd be a simple equation: Today Algiers, a quick globe trot then it's Black Death 2 time.  Would there be enough Hamelin pipers to go around, working their olde miracle magic before we're all pox and puss? You'd better hope so.
(Photo: BBC)

The 'God Particle' Onwards And Upwards!

Here's mine. So...you've brought some tablet round Jeremy?

Volunteers can now actively help physicists in the search for: head lice, cheap booze or anything you fancy really. The new fundamentals in the world of particles are hard to see, so those with an account at SpecSavers, stay up late and have little or no social life are much in demand. Oh, but if you are going all net-worky to help Cern, you'll perhaps need something very similar to the top pic to give you any hope of being first to Higgs-Boson and a Nobel Prize. "Providing insights into the origin of our Universe, is never as easy as say, finding a new pi" so said the man in charge of all things big at Cern, like the one and only LHC. A freckled faced youth by his elbow stuck out his tongue before announcing, "A pi searcher is a 26 a night Red Bull guy. Nod-offs need not apply." Little Freck, being one of the more genteel names for the newly arrived 15 year old wunderknabe: IQ210 Voice: broke last Tuesday. "But,"and one now detected whinge-creep from the little 'un, "but why can't I find the number deep in philosophical meaning, when I've verified 200 million against the source list?  A--N--D...... I once downed 27 RBs on a pi over-nighter at Wendy's...so there!"

Time to take his Red Bull tinnies away, while older boffins smash on for another 24 hours in search for the God of particles. (Photos: Copyright Control) 

Hey Alf, send that smart ass kid for my KitKat.

Gordon, An Axe And Gin-less.

Craggers: nearly in touchy-feely mode.

"Gordon Ramsay is axed as the face of Gordon's Gin as sales fall" (Mirror, UK) 
Ms Cranberry S, of West End PR reported, "Gordon is taking an never ending sabbatical. I hear that he will be slipping into a very exclusive furniture school in Switzerland to give him that extra finesse (and a mustard mouth-wash won't go amiss)," ventured the newly emboldened Ms Cranberry in her mock drama college whisper. "And...he's not the face front of what our band Gin Wify needs anymore!" butted in Artie Artichok'em (bass). "Craggy as the Jagger, the 3 percent sales slumper is not going to shift us to the next league, or fix us up on a big unplugged spot," Artie continued with a nuance of swaying hip. "What we needs is like a really smooth chops; a 'shaken, not stirred' type bloke. I'd even trash me pig swill look and get suited if we was to land that Quattro-driving DCI Hunt."  'chok'em mused to his 5000 watt Marshall. "Yes quite, intervened a startled fawn resembling Ms C.
Craggy's other enterprises are not reported to be in peek condition either. "F--- 'em. They're space-wasting tossers all!" retorted G form the VIP London lounge, en route to some hoped for resurrection across the pond. (Photo: Splash)

Getting It Wrong, Again...

"Shout down the Sharia myth makers" (JTA) Sounding much like an extra in a Jihadist's B film, Abraham H. Foxman is the kind of guy that, had he been living in Germany, would have said in 1935 that Hitler and the Ruff Bhoys were just a passing faze for disgruntled out of work WW1 losers. That they were temporarily a little misguided, but were really salt of the earth Fatherland lovers who just uniformed-up to march, though perhaps too self indulgent with beer and a sing-song. Abe would have enjoyed a good Schubert melody though it would have been Ludwig that tugged at his wannabe German heart. He would have viewed those who were dispatching their children to Britain as unpatriotic and not much better than paranoid panic merchants. And even as he was being loaded onto a cattle truck he would still have been shouting about always having been a good loyal German.
Abe and his band; ever the apologists for Islam. Left of center intellectuals, singing from the same old "We Can Never Get It Right" sheet music.
If the elephants were heading for high ground as the sea retreated at pace to some distant horizon; the oblivious Abe and Co would still be readying themselves for their beach picnic with a chilled Chardonnay to hand...getting it wrong, again.

Last Call For A Mr Obama...

 "The United States is poised to shift its position on Syria by calling on President Bashar al-Assad to step down because of the violence he has inflicted on his own people and his failure to implement meaningful reforms for the last five months." (Guardian, UK)

Yeah, this is the guy. He's known to quake at the sound of a toughing stand.

Barack Obama, for five months the Rip van Winkle of Middle East politics has woken up and will "toughen his stand". What does this friggin' mean? And he'll 'issue the demand as early as Thursday.' Well Mr Decisive, you're only five months and a Thursday too late! Is there a calender and clock that works in your White Over-Ground Bunker? On March 9, 2011 at sleepy time, did someone slip you a very strong malted milk and as Jay Carney was doing a major DIY number, he just let you have a long lie-in? Please,please....just catch the first coach back to some Illinois Community Centre and throw a few hoops with some old buddies. You're just so way out of your depth.

Avoid High Place, Stay In Bed!

"A new research has indicated that animal's brains are only roughly aware of how high-up they are in space, meaning that in terms of altitude the brain's 'map' of space is surprisingly flat." (Indian Express)

'Alas poor Yorik I knew him well'

Scientists have also spent many years in the study of neuron network cells; Why eat square sausage with a pan loaf when in Scotland? In humans, a solar flare or badly behaved battery in or near the brain's campo-hippo, could make you name your first born: Isambard Kingdom Brunel. The infant will almost certainly develop to around 5'4'' smoke 45 Trincomall cigars a day and be overly fascinated by heavy pieces of joined-up metal.

Now where's me flipin' matches.

Moving on...further research might very well confirm that you have something rather similar to the top photo? That'll be a good start providing you haven't mislaid the missing piece. Many in the consultancy profession have a tendency to dismiss this as unimportant, so when attending day clinic at the Brain-Map and Empty Space Dept. found on the second floor, take it with. Can the brain's comprehension of height or horizon be more fully explored by say: letting rats loose in a crowded canteen during lunch? Those first jumping onto anything higher than the floor would certainly prove this to be the case; for grid measuring distance cells and place cells which indicate the location of a chair are the best ones to fire off by those who have rodent aversion.
The so called leap-on-a-chair study is supported and part funded by Ikea and the TrustUsAlways Inc Corp. In his pithy lecture, Professor Jackanoray elaborated, "We are very sensitive to any horizontal space, hence bed lying is especially popular on wet Mondays but let's not exclude any remaining work days. We humans have limited ability at quantifying how high a cliff may be, so stepping off could get you a hefty dry cleaning bill; and when flying at 37,000 feet, unless you happen to be seated next to Mr Mel Brooks, surprises await the impatient traveler should the desire to door-open strike"
Those intrigued to know the potential out come of stepping off a kerb or sky diving if your 'shoot fails, should contact your nearest Psychology and Language Sciences Faculty. (Photos/Art: Copyright Control)