Pasties? 'Blockbusters' Says Brad!

I'm a Vegi, so mine's the samosas.

John P, from the company Landslastpasties.com said little at first, as he was full of his own product. "Early yesterday morning a local lad who's descended from a well known family of ship wreckers, arrived atop a donkey. He asked if we would supply 5000 pasties for Mr B Pitt's cast, crew and half of Cornwall. At first we didn't know how we'd cope as we get ours from Greggs but if this was a hoax, the little kelp cruncher would be entombed in an old lead mine where we keep the smuggled French brandy. As it was, it was the only time anyone could recall when truth came forth. So, by lucky Cornwelian chance, we acquired the only copy in print of  "Delia Bakes It, Cooks It, Coins It In" then it was pasties away afore you could say Rick Stein!"

 Cornwall's Flag.

"And a further order was placed for anyone who managed to keep down their first encounter with our neo-national dish." chirped a proud kelpi from his unfamiliar role as a zombie extra. (Photo: Reuters)

Humans Need Not Apply...

(Photo: RV)

"Human spaceflight. Always been a messy business but now it's as good as over for us. And some Shuttle folk should have practised more in that weightless ass docking routine," observed Dan of Cape-Cav diapers. Historically this subject has never grabbed much public attention. "Robot's the future" continued Dan. "Robotic probes. Metal fellas never want a Snicker; recharge easy, a squirt of WD600 an' they're off romin'. Anyway...what is the Chinese for diaper?" enquired a wistful, newly redundant Dan.

John fringe flyer Malkovich Hits The Street!

Another 1000 to hand oot, then it's a pie an' deep fried Mars. 

What prompted the JM; Holly star and famous thesp, to risk being lost among rubber-neck camera-clicking tourists?  "I've got to shiff a tray of knock-off's and Fringe flyers before some weisel snout gets me lifted," Malkovich declared. Got to reach as many mugs as poss. Princy Street's like a salmon run and I'm Mr Grizzly  scopin' them in!" he declared to the jossling throng around; pleased as he slipped effortlessly back into stage speak. A shady man at JM's elbow with a get-the-f- out of my face attitude was not helping the fishing party. "Look. It's street biz an' I'm a shy backstage jonny sort." Mr J Sands, 53 was not quite being over truthful. Some light was escaping from under his bushel, so when pressed against 6 pints of Belhaven's best, he loosened. "We come here to do a play and we needs common folk as well as richies filling the place. I worked with dear deceased Harold. Poems and politics with me mostly writin' the silent bits; and them ignoramuses thinking all the while that the thesp had forgotten their lines. That right JM? Me and the Pinter, scribbling the nights away...happy times..."  (Photo: Copyright Control)

(Julian Sands will perform in "A Celebration of Harold Pinter" during the Edinburgh Festival)

Rupert Forever! From An Admirer...

Your place or mine, Rupie?

Scottish Labour leader, Iain green-eye Gray stomped his foot. "How could my Aussie bird do it? What could he ever have seen in that tubby, slippery tongued haggis! Willy Rennie?..that jealous bitch. Never in the frame. If a dug looked his way he'd book a room at the Carlton. But... the letters; oh those letters! How do you think I feel knowing aboot them noo? Their cosy evenings with a rare malt; the fire glintin' on his rugged, ootback features. Whit  might  hae gone doon, as they say? Aye, but now it's oh so clear why that Cheshire Nat Cat kept his geggy clamped shut! Oh Rupert...I'd a done ony thin' had you winked ma way."

Kraft Splits In Two!

Processed foods giant Kraft Foods Inc., is splitting in two. This operation will be conducted without anesthetic. "War between the Cheese Slices and Oreo Crew made it imperative", said an ecstatic Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfield, bouncing a Jell-O on her VP's head while addressing the hand picked sycophantic business press . "Cool Whip and the Maxwell Bhoys were deciding what's goin' down while Oscar the Mayer was in a tizwas with Trident and Tang fence sitting...hence my decisive intervention." she preened. Benefits? "Well, as it happens our current bunch of employees' are as much use as a glass eye, so we'll be ditching them for a crop of illegals. They've never heard 'union' so will know their place. Yes. I see it all now. Two great food companies each with it's own Fuhrer; lebensraum for our products; resources, strong market positions..." Q: Tax? "Tax you said. Tax or lack of that odious imposition on the creators of wealth was never a consideration in the decision making process, you impudent gate-crashing bastard". (Photo: Getty Images)

Caution: Multiverse Test In Progress!

Isaiah 45:17 'World without end'...Hmm.

Many modern theories of fundamental physics predict that our visible universe IE around 14 billion light years of space, time, matter and energy, all the planets, stars and galaxies and the contents of intergalactic space is contained inside a "bubble". In addition to our bubble, this `multiverse' will contain perhaps trillions of others, each of which can be thought of as containing a universe eg: take ONE grain of sand from any old desert or beach and call that our universe...sort of getting the bigger picture? Until now, nobody had been able to find a way to efficiently search for signs of bubble universe collisions - and therefore proof of the multiverse - in the CMB radiation, as the disc-like patterns in the radiation could be located anywhere in the sky.(PhysOrg.com)
But now the boffins have a Blackadder type plan; and if the multiverse proves to be true, then we might all be living everywhere simultaneously in an infinity of universes, but with slightly different life experiences in each one. Or...all these other universes could be completely different from each other. Either way, those wanting a strait-jacket form a queue...others proceed to:  www.prosblogion.ektopos.com where your head will be disengaged from what we as mere humans casually and inaccurately term reality... (Photo/Art: Copyright Control).

Arrested! Chief And The Dep!

Pricey does the jokes...I'm the strait man.

Sean Price, the chief constable of Cleveland Police, and Derek Bonnard, the deputy chief constable, were arrested this morning by guys who weren't allegedly on the payroll.  Sternly questioned by out-house detectives, after Her Majestey’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC) asked Warwickshire police to feel their Armani collars. The allegations of corruption at the Cleveland force are as much of a surprise to them, as they had concluded that a Xmas hamper had been sent out to all. "Scrutinise all contracts and no one's to open their hamper til after Santa's been"! announced Sterny Gravitas, head of Operation no-cover-ups-'er.
Another allegation is that Pricey allegedly used “undue influence” to get that cute wee lass of Dave McLuckie full employment. Dave happened to be the then chairman of the police authority, but that and his lasses jobie are allegedly just one of these coincidental, cosmic conjunctions.
 Pricey and the Deputy, quite rightly strongly refute all the allegations. (Photo: PA/North News)