UK Masterplan: Adapt For USA! Sorted!

An open Letter from Gifford Farm to UK Prime Minister, David Cameron.

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

Hmm...this Gifford plan could have some merit...but

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

(1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed. (2) They MUST buy a new British car.

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed. (3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed. (4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed. (5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

 It can't get any easier than that! 

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

But...I've just too many of my chumy chaps in the filthy moo la banking biz. 

 Also…

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. 

Shelton Abbey Open Prison.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. 

Oh David, it's just so bloody
brilliant here...

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

 Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

A want back to me
friggin' comfy gaff! 

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

I'm legal, Annabell from Appleby...not Albania..

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also;

Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

(Photos: Copyright Control except Tagged Cow: Juergen Specht)

(Text: Copyright Gifford Farm)

 Visit their on-line gallery at  www.giffordfarm.com

Golf: Still In Denial!

"It's always much more to do with the player and the caddie and things going on. Unless you're involved you don't know what's happening." said Padraig Harrington on the subject of Mr Williams so called racial slur.

Just a slip, Tiger...you black....

Ah, golf. Founded on segregation principles, with each enthic group having to build their own courses if they wanted to waste a good Sunday with their ain folk. The Padraig prattle above is akin to the three monkey story. And if a burning cross or two was just off the 3rd tee, the only concern from the worst attired beings in the sporting uninvers would be smoke floating across the fairway spoiling their drive. An as for the comments of the self styled Greg the Shark? Trees baring 'Strange Fruit' with hooded white robed Grand Wizards and Co dancing beneath would still have him declare golf as a racist free zone.

Yeah...sure as hell a miss burnin' a few firey ones outside that ol'
Butler Cabin at Augusta.

(Photos: Copyright Control).

Lobster's Revenge!

 "Lobsters have no vocal cords. It's just not possible for them to "scream" in a way we hear. The sound you may hear is expanding air bubbles trapped in their shells expanding and finding an avenue of escape from their bodies while they boil."

There's a good chap; can you smash my little brain out first?

Well...so just expanding air bubbles not screaming makes it OK then? I've never been a fan of the marine cockroach family, but it's not exactly Buddhist boiling them or anything alive. For those who don't have a problem with third degree burn water meets creature of the sea, perhaps (if male) a quaint medieval boiling oil dipping of your bare bum and gooles into a cast iron receptacle, might reform your culinary ways.

Ah...just the very thing, though a tad too hot for French fries.

(Photos: Copyright Control).




  

Mullah Mohammed Omar? Never Clapped Eyes On Him!

BBC News - Hardtalk - Musharraf: Mullah Omar has 'never been in Pakistan': "With his country racked by extremist violence, endemic corruption and deeply troubled relations with Afghanistan, India and the United States, Mr Musharraf is seeking a comeback. In the full interview Stephen Sackur asks why he thinks he is the solution to Pakistan's problems."

 
'Now Mr Sackur, as to your question as to the where abouts of Mullar Mohammad Omar? Would you hide out in our basket case of a country if you could hang out with like minded Jihadist psychopaths in five star Somalia or Sudan'?
(Photo: Copyright Control).

Methane: Answer To Hell Of A Long Question!

Methane may be answer to 56-million-year question: "Nobody knows for sure what started the incident, but there's no doubt Earth's temperature rose by as much as 6 degrees Celsius. That affected the planet for up to 150,000 years, until excess carbon in the oceans and atmosphere was reabsorbed into sediment."

So...nice an' cosy even at the Poles. We observe the great trek of geological time from our nano second observation towers, with little comprehension as to our own insignificant frame, passing in a film  encompassing aeons.
Now, cheer yourself up and click on the link for the full article.
(Photo: Copyright Control).

Farewell Israel?

I have in my hand the first draft of how we Palestinians,
with the support of this
despotic, fascist, Arab loving assembly; of how with our brothers in Hamas,
Hezbollah and Iran, that we will secure the final victory over Israel,
which will be no more.
Hitler our mentor only commenced the work; but we,
 with Allah's wisdom and guidance
will finish the task! Thank you.
(Photo: Copyright Control).

Twilight Zone Ahead?

Christie’s Party May Have Lost One Seat in New Jersey Elections - Businessweek: "Democrats maintained their 24-16 edge in the Senate and were likely to have added one seat in the Assembly, giving them a 48-32 edge in that chamber, according to the Associated Press."

If the above comes to pass, given that the US is in it's worst financial position since the Vikings crashed their long boats into the brave new world; what will it bloody well take to sumo wrestle the Whitehouse from Obama the Obstacle?

For if Micky R's the GOP winner of the sack and potato races and becomes Barako's joustin' challenger in 2012, then we could be in for four more years in the Twilight Zone.
(Photo: Copyright Control).