Audiophile Digital?

"The age of the digital audiophile - someone who demands the highest quality sound reproduction - seems to be upon us. But what are they getting for their money"? (BBC)

Why headphones, I enquired of Jim? "Headphones are my new socially responsible contribution to sound pollution, though the price can dent a youthful pocket." Mr F Loudin from the small unassuming office of SNB (Stopping Noisy Bastards) sat on the edge of Jim's shabby futon, nodding his approval. "Thin walls and big speakers are not a compatible combination, so they had to go." What's next from Mr Insufferable. "You see, the sound from loudspeakers is acoustically contoured by the listeners' head  before reaching the ear drums, and this interaction provides, in the form of crossfeed, phase and amplitude the necessary head-related transfer functions (HRTFs)." The death bore beamed through the ether to his audience of two."On the other hand," he resumed before I could pull his plug, "headphones are in the audio bandwith 20 Hz - 20kHz. Outside that range, sounds are not heard by most, except some 'golden eared' audiophiles!" Having only the brass appendages to keep from being road kill on a very foggy night; did the pompous plonker actually say that?
Wishing him a rapid rendezvous with some faulty high voltage wiring, I turned quickly to take my leave. By now, young Jim had the future of sound on his ears and was soon nodding in time to some unknown frequencies; the inverse wave with ambient noise-cancel, now once more fully engaged. (Photo/Art: Photobucket.com)

Russell Brand: On and On...

"He may live in Los Angeles now, but Russell Brand is still a Londoner at heart." (Daily Mail,UK)

The 36-year-old goby one while living the good life in LA, in a patriotic moment lasting a nano second thought of the Homelanders during the recent riots back in London. "I've lived all over the place. Know every dark ally and been on benders in every local knees-up pub. Like a real little cockney a was; what with ma Jellied ells and pearly coat. Ah, what days and nights..." He banged on in the nauseating way that only expats can. Kind of similar to when New Year arrives and they're overcome with amnesia about the old country they couldn't jettison quickly enough. "The guilt felt for not being in the effected borough." he continued, outdoing himself with self flagellation.
Well you affected bleetin' scruffer. What stopped you flying back to Blighty?  

Castration!

 "In the United States, more than 17 million bulls are castrated yearly that range in age from 1 day to 1 year old." (Drovers Magazine)

It's only a nasty rumour Billy.

Castration. Well as can be imagined, this procedure is not too popular with young friskers. "Ya see, it's a mite like gettin' your goolies hit by a baseball bat...over an' over again." If it's that painful, why do it? Hank thought for a  moment, rubbing his three day unshaven chin which sent sparks flying into the hay loft. "You from the city boy? The question being purely rhetorical as he observed wryly my expensive, inappropriate flamboyant attire." John Ford. He's dead you know." Having dampened down the fire, he continued. "Now, if sweet meat's your delicacy, without 17 million bullocks' bollocked...you followin' me? Fancy restaurants pay tops for 'em." I wiped the last vestige of an impromptu up-chuck from my jacket and ridicules boots. "So, that's about it city fella. Reduced aggression, lower testosterone an' more back-pocket dollars."
Hank wandered off with a couple of knife sharp ranch hands, to surprise more young bucks who will have nil job prospects on this Ponderosa.

Tax? Pay More Rich Folks!

 "Warren Buffett has called for Congress to make him and his 'mega-rich friends' pay more income tax. (BBC)

The billionaire investor and philanthropist said; "We filthy rich folks should pick up our fair share of the tab... do more to help plug the deficit." Warming to his theme of, "give it away you fist tight graspers," he continued.
"Those earning more than $1m (£600,000), and a higher rate for those on over $10m." Mr Buffett demanded of the many housed, off shore tax shy fraternity. "I pay tax at a lesser rate than my office gals. Bazaar or what! It's just not rational and hardly acceptable." What of the arguments made by Republicans, Mr Buffett? "If I was a cow poke in cattle country, I'd explain like a well brought up Texan that some of the GOP should stop taking like a  hosse's ass."

Spies, Pakistan And Chinese Plunder!

"ISTAN'S intelligence service probably let Chinese military engineers examine the wreckage of a super-secret US stealth helicopter that crashed during the May raid on Osama bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad." (SunHearld.com)

But surely everything has it's price, my Mandarin friends?

An unnamed official from PR Pakis, familiar with the usual double-dyed behaviour of the US's non compliant ally ,took it personally. "My friends, on behave of our nation, I'm deeply hurt." began Mr A from the Ministry of Double Speak, "my friends, he repeated; how can you think such things? I don't even own a camera and only once have I seen what you describe as a helicopter? We are your comrades in battle as steady as the moving desert sands; we chaps of Pakistan stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our dear American blood brothers, and by the Scimitar of Saladin we surely can't be trusted one decimal place. As to the the matter of your sneek-past-us Black Hawk; there is no truth in rumours that sensitive information has wafted towards Beijing. I sware on the waterlogged bones of one recently martyred; personally I've no knowledge of bamboo shoots or birds in the nest soup. I will spit on the graves of these soon to be deceased tall tale tellers. The oriental gentlemen some of you press persistently reference, were only in our country to open a chain of honorable Peking Shootin' Duck take-outs." He fingered his worry beads slowly, a swift brow moping then some major grooming of the horse hair of a moustache that occupied the mantelpiece atop his lip. "And now my friends of the western media; before the public holiday of traitor hanging, I shall take one more of your probing no-holds-barred questions.Yes Nick?" "Er, thanks. Nicky Naive, New York Times. "You really are on our side, aren't you...?
A Mexican wave of amusement rippled around the press room and out into the warm, still evening air. (Photo: AFP).

Brit Of The Long Tongue.

Not quite ready for that Julie Andrew's number.

"British student has tongue lengthened to speak Korean." (Telegraph, UK)

 Rhiannon Brooksbank–Jones loves The Vapors  track 'Turning Japanese' which she sings along to in short tongue Korean. Rhianno currently studies at a nearby university in the county of Robin the Hood and dreams of speaking in tongues; which is handy when imaging countries she can't be sure exist except perhaps in pixels. She struggles with shopping trolleys, folding maps back into their designated creases but it's the pronunciation of certain Zulu vowels and the Korean for; 'he's one fit fella,' that triggers tongue malfunction. "Being a short arse - which moi isn't- well that's one thing; but having a tongue that's totally useless for certain French smooching maneuvers is not cool." She ran out of paper but continued writing on my T shirt, "I'm not thick, but that friggin' lingual frenulum is! As things stand, I can't be the voice of Korea's speaking clock or the bingo caller at my local." Her parents nodded their agreement. "It's got to be the15 minute lingual frenectomy op for number one daughter, followed by lashings of her fav ice cream."
A couple of weeks later Rhiannon said tentatively, "Sore or what. Such aggers at first, but tonguey is now about 1cm longer and I'll soon be Rosetta Stoning the crap out of all in my immediate vicinity!" Little won-soong-ee.   (Photo: Paul Tonge)

Enter... The Super Mouse!

 "Super mouse evolves resistance to most poisons." (BBC) 

Call me Jerry once more and I will crap in your cornflakes.

German and Spanish mice on their hols in North Africa have found the lady mice of the Casbah much to their liking. "The Germans always get here first; swill copious amounts of beer and warfarin and seem none the worst," said the de-frocked priest turned scientist,"it gets them in that thigh slappin' party time mood. Then it's towels on the sun loungers and off they scuttle to find an Arabian princess," What about the Spanish? "They're always much later to arrive. They're all back in Spain engaging in the three hour tapas, a glass or two of red then siesta. Later in the evening more tapas and a nice white then hit the nest around 3.30am. Early next day somehow they're down town pissing off loads of angry bulls which chase them through narrow streets. Already late for an Algerian date by around 1.5 million years, it's not too much of a priority when a well placed horn is about to connect with the smallest butt in Europe." And what of the survivors? "Oh, for lucky furries, it's boats and planes across the Med and some gene leaking in hell hot Algeria."
Now...you may be wondering; will cousin ratie have their lost weekends too? Well, why not. The relatives are having the genetic exchanging time of their lives, so for ratie it'd be a simple equation: Today Algiers, a quick globe trot then it's Black Death 2 time.  Would there be enough Hamelin pipers to go around, working their olde miracle magic before we're all pox and puss? You'd better hope so.
(Photo: BBC)