Kraft Splits In Two!

Processed foods giant Kraft Foods Inc., is splitting in two. This operation will be conducted without anesthetic. "War between the Cheese Slices and Oreo Crew made it imperative", said an ecstatic Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfield, bouncing a Jell-O on her VP's head while addressing the hand picked sycophantic business press . "Cool Whip and the Maxwell Bhoys were deciding what's goin' down while Oscar the Mayer was in a tizwas with Trident and Tang fence sitting...hence my decisive intervention." she preened. Benefits? "Well, as it happens our current bunch of employees' are as much use as a glass eye, so we'll be ditching them for a crop of illegals. They've never heard 'union' so will know their place. Yes. I see it all now. Two great food companies each with it's own Fuhrer; lebensraum for our products; resources, strong market positions..." Q: Tax? "Tax you said. Tax or lack of that odious imposition on the creators of wealth was never a consideration in the decision making process, you impudent gate-crashing bastard". (Photo: Getty Images)

Caution: Multiverse Test In Progress!

Isaiah 45:17 'World without end'...Hmm.

Many modern theories of fundamental physics predict that our visible universe IE around 14 billion light years of space, time, matter and energy, all the planets, stars and galaxies and the contents of intergalactic space is contained inside a "bubble". In addition to our bubble, this `multiverse' will contain perhaps trillions of others, each of which can be thought of as containing a universe eg: take ONE grain of sand from any old desert or beach and call that our universe...sort of getting the bigger picture? Until now, nobody had been able to find a way to efficiently search for signs of bubble universe collisions - and therefore proof of the multiverse - in the CMB radiation, as the disc-like patterns in the radiation could be located anywhere in the sky.(PhysOrg.com)
But now the boffins have a Blackadder type plan; and if the multiverse proves to be true, then we might all be living everywhere simultaneously in an infinity of universes, but with slightly different life experiences in each one. Or...all these other universes could be completely different from each other. Either way, those wanting a strait-jacket form a queue...others proceed to:  www.prosblogion.ektopos.com where your head will be disengaged from what we as mere humans casually and inaccurately term reality... (Photo/Art: Copyright Control).

Arrested! Chief And The Dep!

Pricey does the jokes...I'm the strait man.

Sean Price, the chief constable of Cleveland Police, and Derek Bonnard, the deputy chief constable, were arrested this morning by guys who weren't allegedly on the payroll.  Sternly questioned by out-house detectives, after Her Majestey’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC) asked Warwickshire police to feel their Armani collars. The allegations of corruption at the Cleveland force are as much of a surprise to them, as they had concluded that a Xmas hamper had been sent out to all. "Scrutinise all contracts and no one's to open their hamper til after Santa's been"! announced Sterny Gravitas, head of Operation no-cover-ups-'er.
Another allegation is that Pricey allegedly used “undue influence” to get that cute wee lass of Dave McLuckie full employment. Dave happened to be the then chairman of the police authority, but that and his lasses jobie are allegedly just one of these coincidental, cosmic conjunctions.
 Pricey and the Deputy, quite rightly strongly refute all the allegations. (Photo: PA/North News)

Pratts R Us...

Yeah I'll keep smiling, but I really need to go.

Never heard of them? Oh, you must have! Along with 900,000 *snowflakes on the river, they really were famous in Warhol minutes. It's Heidi! Black and white tele? Yeah Heidi as in Peter and the goat shepherd from the land of Nazi gold, choc bars and bird clocks. Well anyway, you're obviously are not a Beast reader, for Spencer the Pratt (right) like many a prat before, trickled millions away and now they can be interviewed tucked up in the spare box room at his mummy and daddy's house. So when firefly fame beckons, you talentless, egocentrics out there; always keep spare jim-jams at yer mums'. (*To paraphrase Robert Burns)

Obama Hails An' Flails!

(Photo: Copyright Control)

President Obama hailed the limp-wristed, last-minute cave in on Tuesday, saying, "The Big D? Whatever... Anyway, Wednesday's my fav night of the week; the kids are packed off and me and 'shel get down and boogie, then it's Five Guys fries and burgers. So after this last tango on the Hill thing, I'll crack open a six-pack whatever the vote and watch some ball hittin' action". The following evening, shirt sleeved, messianic and  staying dry while holding back stampeding voters, the master of mixed messages got wordy. "Compromise? You won't hear that from my lips when I find it so much easier to say capitulation. My program is set to massively increase spending and believe this: our nation's $14.3 trillion debt will spiral and escalate even beyond Benny an' me's wildest! Boy, that'll really choke the Elephants, number nerds and those"Math For Dumbos" folk. Now...mark my eloquent delivery: The Canadian border has not been sealed. Finally finance. This is an important first step in having our credit rating shredded and our nation slipping to one below Cuba in the international country-wrecking league. And to make absolutely certain that we remain a proud no-cuts, spendthrift Government; we will continue to live swaddled in all consuming debt and financially beholden to every country in the world except for one banana-less republic. So, in conclusion: it is my solemn responsibility to lead our Government, citizens and illegals in abandoning all fiscal logic and continue spending vastly beyond our means. For this I know: it is an achievable goal for any administration, but more especially mine".

UK's Most Wanted Scroats...

'Shawshank'  With No Redemtion...

Most wanted. Top row, left to right: Kevin Leitch, Misba Uddin, Nicholas Slocombe, Ajayi Seun and Peter Stead; bottom row, left to right - Nasser Ahmed, Mohamad Khan, Timur Mehmet, Jascent Nakawunde and an unknown woman. Photograph: Crimestoppers/PA

The faces of some of Britain's most wanted suspected fraudsters have been published in an effort to bring them to justice. Crimestoppers, the national charity, said the 10 suspected criminals were allegedly responsible for a total of at least £200m of fraud." (Guardian, UK)

We all know that an email especial from Nigeria = Delete. But the above pictured scroats for the most part applied their letterheads, emails and slick tongues to the most vulnerable or gullible.

Brain Full To The Brim? Remodel!

Here's the expensive Super Deluxe for tax dodging off-shore account holders.

'Full up to the brim: scientists claim the human brain is at capacity!' (Times of India)

Yes, but is it? With a much higher IQ, you would feel totally superior to these who's wiring betrays a very sloppy electrician who just left it to a first year apprentice. But desiring greater cc brain capacity will prove very expensive for the would be Uber-Intelligent. They'll be the remortgage and up'd overdraft to pay for all these gold tipped connections and then there's the sizable electric bill each month to consider. So start the march to your semi-cyborg future by getting your sceptical accountant on board before hasty regrets are posted. However, if you do decide to remodel: 'Skull Expanders' for that extra necessary head room is really an excellent one-stop-shop, owned by my nephew. Or there's Craig and Angie's for fussy folk. But just think; being brain enhanced to uber-smarter means... being like him!: Morris van Helava,  professor of psychiatry, quantum physics and part time steam loco engineer. The Prof has a chair at the Oostrechtre Hedin Centre, Milton Keynes England, where he holds court when not playing with trains.‘Increasing ze power of the brain takes ze hell of a  boost in energy consumption. So, nein of your kettle and toastin' while "de-Franking," is in progress' cautioned the Prof. 'My little homage to Mrs Shelly's creation', he mumbled, looking faintly flushed. The Super Prof is "the path future, in the present". Well, that's what the marketing spiel reads. 'It is risky to predict the distant future but it is clear there are tight constraints on intelligence if you don't have the readies to slap down', he patronised in unbroken English.